"My Resume" original humor by Steve Wingate

By Steve Wingate

That's right, for the first time ever, I'm offering up my resume for your inspection. Don't everybody call at once. My demands are simple: a company car (Mercedes AMG or better), a beautiful secretary (Angelina Jolie or better), a corner office (with a bar, Playstation 2, and a pony) and a salary to make Bill Gates drool. I'm not particular about what kind of work I do as long as there is very little of it. Here's what you'll be getting by hiring me:

__________________________________________________________

Steve Wingate

89 Four Wheel Drive

Dogswallow, Alabama EIEIO

(205) 555-5555

drlove@yourcervix.com

Career Objective

To obtain a position where I can sit on my haunches all day and think up silly inane crap, then write it down or something.

Qualifications

Able to make eight different duck noises / Able to say "The dog made a funny noise." in four different languages. / Knowledgeable in paper airplane making and rubber band warfare. / Able to identify tall buildings in a single frown.

Education

University of Alabama at Birmingham

BA: English

Became proficient at reading "Prometheus Unbound" without yawning. Learned to frown thoughtfully while listening to rambling lectures about literature. Able to recognize "phallic symbolism" in literature.

BA: Spanish

Able to read Don Quixote in the original Spanish and give a complete summary. Just in case you're wondering, Don Quixote was a rapidly balding CPA who went off in search of the Holy Chicken in his rusty old Hudson Hornet.

Work Experience

Gigantic Retail Chain Store #2301

8284 Front Wheel Drive

God's Armpit, Alabama EIEIO

1987 to 1992:

Worked as a stock clerk. Able to push 50 shopping carts at one time. Loaded 40 pound bags of cow puckey into cars for surly customers. Became proficient at mopping up spilled milk shakes.

Gigantic Retail Chain Store #5248

451 Lois Lane

Sinkhole, Alabama EIEIO

1992 to 1993:

Promoted to management by accident. Became proficient at telling others to mop up spilled milk shakes.

Shady Chain Drug Operation

234 1/2 Semi Circle

Bubbaton, Alabama EIEIO

1993 to 1996

Assistant manager. Learned how to overprice everyday commodities and run a computer system so antiquated that it made a spiral bound notebook seem hi-tech.

Yet Another Gigantic Chain Store

3898 Tennis Court

Squatley, Alabama EIEIO

1996 to present

Mid Level Management. Learned that my bachelors' degrees are worth slightly less than a value roll of store brand toilet paper in today's job market.

References

My references all say they don't know me.

________________________________________________________________

So there you have it… in all of it's unbridled, self-effacing absurdity and lackluster charm.

I'll also be glad to write resumes for any aspiring or despairing job seekers out there. Be prepared though… my custom-fibbed resumes are extremely powerful aphrodisiacs to potential employers-- you'll be fighting 'em off in droves. Employers will be negotiating over your skills and talents, and they'll have no choice but to cave to your absurd demands.

Just remember… I've already got dibs on Angelina Jolie.

2003 Steve Wingate

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