by Steve Wingate

I saw an interesting product the other day... a food additive designed to reduce the risk of gastric disorders incurred from eating beans. That's right, now you can scarf down all the beans you want and not have to worry about those embarrassing bodily noises afterward.

My only question is: Does it also work for broccoli? What about processed onions? Or meat loaf? And what goes through the mind of someone who buys this product? Don't they realize that pooting is fun? My wife and I often make a meal of beans just so we can amuse ourselves later by playing "C'mere and pull my finger" with the kids. (We don't have cable as you may have already guessed.) Are people so hung up about this that they have to buy special products to prevent it? Come on people, loosen up a little. Really folks, children aren't embarrassed by it-- just ask any nine year-old boy. They often hold sophisticated Pooting Olympics with judges, scorecards, medals and all the drama of the real Olympics.

KID ONE: Braump!

JUDGES: (holding scorecards) ...7...6...8...

KID TWO: BRAUMP!!

JUDGES:...9...9...7...

KID THREE: BRAAAAUMPbuddabuddabuddabuddabuddabipBAPbipBAP

BRAUMbuddaBRAUMbuddabuddabuddabuddaBRAUMMMMMMP BA BAP!!!!

JUDGES:...10...20...WOW...

KID FOUR: Squelch.

JUDGES: ...OUT...OUT...GROSS...

I can personally remember spending many a summer afternoon in the woods on such activities. If we weren't having the Pooting Olympics, we'd be having belching contests or telling jokes either about boogers or "goin' to the bathroom". If we weren't doing any of the above, we'd probably be enjoying a rousing game of Smashing Small Creatures With Large Rocks and Let's All Urinate in The Creek. Young boys are such little savages… good thing they grow up into men of culture who wouldn't dream of doing such things. Their jokes are about sex, and they pulverize large creatures with large caliber weapons. They also urinate on trees instead of right in the creek, and they never, ever talk about poots, burps, or boogers. By this advanced age they just do it with out all the dramatics other than an occasional; "Damn, Frank. What the heck have you been eatin'?"

So as you can see, children are not the least bit ashamed of this activity. One might think that adults are emotionally superior to children... after all, children have anxieties about weird things. My younger sister was afraid of lawn chairs and I was terrified of my father's shoes. So wouldn't it stand to reason that an adult should not be afraid of a little tooting?

Here is my solution to this complex social issue. Don't waste your money on fancy anti-poot drugs. Go ahead and get gas, and when it comes time, let 'er rip! Blame it on the dog, he won't mind. If you don't have a dog, blame it on the cat. Oh Frisky, you naughty kitty, you made a bad smell. And if there's no cat in the house, blame it on someone else. Better yet, blame it on someone who would be proud of it. Blame it on me, I'll gladly accept the social stigma that goes along with it.

Besides, everybody blames me anyway.

2001 Steve Wingate